


Do You Ever Really Crash or Even Make a Sound

by artisticpear



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Bonding, Family Drama, Family Feels, Good Heidi Hansen, Heidi Hansen Tries, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicide Attempt, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 18:55:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18946849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artisticpear/pseuds/artisticpear
Summary: When You're falling in a forest…Memories of his attempted suicide filled his head.And there’s nobody around…He was alone. Only trees.Do you ever really crash…Memories of pain, memories of lying there waiting for someone to find him…Or even make a sound?He felt a tidal wave of tears fill his eyes. He couldn't stop them. He couldn't even stop himself.





	Do You Ever Really Crash or Even Make a Sound

**Author's Note:**

> Y'know that one scene in DEH where Evan and Heidi fight? That's this but angstier

"Do you have any idea how mortifying it is to find out that your son has been spending every night in somebody else's home and you didn't even know it?" Heidi was on the verge of yelling. "You told me you were at Jared's!"  
  
"If you're not here why does it matter where I am?" Evan asked, his words almost slurring together.  
  
"Uh, they think you're their son," She paused. "these th-these people-"  
  
"They're not these people, okay, they- I-" Evan rambled.  
  
"What?" Heidi raised her voice.  
  
"Th-"  
  
"What!? What are they?"  
  
"I-I don't know, stop!" With every second that passed, Evan got more and more uncomfortable with his situation.  
  
" Cause they act like your... like they've adopted you!" Heidi stepped back and the sense of anger was becoming more present in her voice. "Like i'm some- like i don't even exist!"  
  
"They take care of me!" There was half a beat of silence.  
  
"They're not your parents!" She walked towards him. "Hey, that's not your _family_ , Evan!"  
  
"They're nice to me!" Evan was searching for things to say. Heidi gave a sarcastic smile.  
  
"Well they're lovely, lovely people." She replied. Evan felt a bit of relief fill him.  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"They don't know you!" Heidi snapped.  
  
"And you do?" Evan shot back. Another half beat of silence.  
  
"Heh, i thought i did!" Heidi chuckled slightly. Evan shook his head, more confused and angrily.  
  
"What? what do you know about me, you don't know anything about me, you don't even see me!" He snapped.  
  
"Hey! I am _trying_ my best!" She shouted across the room.  
  
"They like me!" He shouted back. "'Cause i know how hard it is to believe that they don't think i'm like- that there's something wrong with me that i need to be _fixed_ like you do!" He started crying. Evan didn't realize it but he was breaking down, bit by bit.  
  
"Okay wait, wait, wait- " Heidi ran towards him.  
  
"No, no i have to go to _therapy_ and i have to take _drugs_ and I-" He was cut off.  
  
"I'm your mother, my _job_ is to take care of you!"  
  
"No, i'm a burden! I'm the worst thing that ever happened to you! I just-I ruined your life!" Evan was sobbing.   
  
"You are the _only-_ " Heidi paused looking for the right words to say, tearing up. "The one good thing that's ever happened to _me_ , Evan!" He looked down at his shoes. "I'm sorry i couldn't give you anything more than that!" Heidi knew she had made a mistake. "Shit!"  
  
"Well it's not my fault that other people can." Evan sniffled and ran off. He just couldn't take all of the screaming anymore. He slammed the door and locked it. He slid down the door, crying. Evan sat there for a moment in silence until his thoughts started to bully him.

 

_ When You're falling in a forest… _

 

Memories of him attempting suicide filled his head.

 

_ And there’s nobody around… _

 

He was alone. Well, other than the trees.

 

_ Do you ever really crash… _

 

Memories of pain, memories of lying there waiting for someone to find him…

 

_ Or even make a sound? _

 

He felt a tidal wave of tears fill his eyes. He couldn't stop them. He couldn't even stop himself.

 

Knocking on the door pushed him away from his train of thought.

 

“Evan…” It was Heidi.

 

“Leave me alone…” Evan said. He couldn't let her see him like this. He heard her walk away. He buried his head into his knees.

 

“Evan i'm sorry i didn't.. I wasn't…” Heidi stammered. “Just open the door okay?”

 

“Can't you just leave me alone?” Heidi sighed shakily.

 

“O-okay honey.” she said. “Good night” Heidi lingered at the door silently for a little bit.

 

His thoughts were at it again. He was such a bad kid.  _ Sad and awkward. Such a burden, Such a useless child, such a-  _ Evan immediately regretted what he had said and opened the door. 

 

“Mom?” He got up and went to the living room. “mom..?” 

 

“Yes, honey?” Heidi looked up from her spot on the end of the couch and wiped her face. She tried to hide the fact she was crying. “Do you need something?” Evan went over and sat on the couch. The awkward boy looked down. 

 

“I-” he started. He shifted. Tears started to well up again. “Mom i uh.. I need to tell you something.” 

 

“Of course, anything.” Their eyes met and Evan turned away stammering.

 

“Nevermind I-”

 

“I'm here if you need to talk, I'm here Evan.”

 

“You’ll hate me.” He muttered.

 

“Evan..” Heidi’s voice was soft.

 

“You'll hate me if you found out how.. H-how..” hot tears fell down his face. He was crying again. Heidi held his hand and rubbed the top of it in efforts of comforting him. “H-how i-” A pause. “I-i'm sorry.” 

 

“Evan, honey, i won't hate you, i  _ can't _ hate you, sweetie.” Heidi looked at him, worriedly. “And if you can't tell me now thats okay too. I can't help but feel bad for how you're feeling..” Heidi looked down again. “I overreacted, i was upset.” Evan shook his head.

 

“I-I was so.. I felt so... alone…” He refused to meet her gaze. “T-The orchard.. My arm… I-I..” Heidi realized what he was talking about. 

 

“Honey…” Heidi’s voice was soft. Evan shrunk down and let his mom embrace him. 

 

“I'm sorry mom..” Evan spoke in between breaths.

 

“I know things can get hard. I know how that can feel and i'm so sorry that you had to feel that way…. I love you and if you ever need to talk i'm here.”

 

“But you have work..”

 

“Even so, call me, text me. If you need me to i can talk.” Heidi smiles. “I don't want you to feel like that.” Evan nodded. 

 

“Thanks mom…” Evan lets his mom pet his hair and smiles lightly.

 

“No prob bob.” Heidi chuckles. “Love you Evan.”

 

“I love you too.”


End file.
